There is really no use wasting tears and time asking questions like “why?” Im in a place I wish to escape, a place filled with sinister and irrevocable darkness. The complete solid horror of it leads me to wander further into nothingness, to grasp at insubstantial walls, to jerk about like a captured beast in hope of finding a way back to my semi-normal world, but somewhere inside me I knew my efforts were a waste of time. Somewhere inside of me I knew that I would never be normal, neither would I return to a semblance of it. The world I used to fake and imagine, the world I was used to, the one I built and thrashed was gone, and I can’t save it and myself. Im screaming and im hoping that somehow, someone would save me from myself and my mind. I can’t get out of the wall of thoughts and darkness. My mind is a black hole and it’s bottomless. Im falling, falling farther and farther into an abyss I cant find my way out of, and as im falling, I realize that inside of it is a maze…a maze in a bottomless pit. How did I fall this deep?
Im worn out from the strain of battling with my mind, and I just go limp and let myself fall. This place has me imprisoned -if it is in fact a place and not merely a state of mind – it has neither ground nor sky, boundaries or signs of endless bounds. It is a world separated from all other worlds, a prison of unreality and confusion, a dimension that had no knowledge of time, life, death or humanity.
Ok….i had to describe what I was feeling inside of me…that is clearly not my writing tone. I had to think like someone else to write that. My jovial writing tone is back and this is where I explain why I am in that very troubled state of mind. Somewhere along the line, I lost sense of my sensitivity (I used to pride myself on how sensitive I was, I might not show it or I might pretend not to notice) I lost sense of my ability to consider others and I turned into this inconsiderate *&%^$....(I cant type that because its not print worthy…and kinda cos im calling myself that) I really cant be gloomy on the outside as im such a happy person and its just not in me to sit around and mope but inside of me, im such a mess and im in turmoil. Some choices you make don’t happen to be mistakes, they are deliberate acts of wickedness and when you look back you realize that you set out intentionally (sometimes we are in denial and say it was subconscious…..but if your subconscious has knowledge of it, you do,..its rooted somewhere inside of you). It would be really irresponsible for me to chuck it all up to something I did when I was not in full command of my senses. Some consequences don’t just go away. When something or someone is your normal and you ruin it (simply because you are afraid to be happy), if you are like me you get caught up in your mind and you cant get out and you leave yourself to wander like im doing. Im simply going through motions, im writing this and im smiling—I know im smiling but I cant feel it in my eyes or my heart and I know im there and im writing this but somehow, im still lost in my head—I cant explain anymore than that. Being happy and ruining it. If your happy don’t feel guilty. Guilt is a terrible to thing to allow fester in your mind. So far iv been reining in a part of me while writing, and I haven’t been as honest. But I realized that to get out of this, I need to open up my mind and explore the maze I keep hidden. That’s why I let myself fall. I will no longer fight myself or my mind. I will fall and tumble till I find a way out. Only hell is a bottomless pit and while my mind might pose as hell, it is only temporary..i will eventually find a way out. Till then ill fall freely and enjoy the timeless abyss I call my mind..
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