I Will Kill Everything You Love and Enjoy Your Pain..

I don't remember why I had this title as a draft in my post but today is not the day I write about it. I must have been very mad the day I wrote this. I don't remember. you see, I remember a lot of things and forget the rest, this may be due to improper encoding or me not paying enough attention to what I'm feeling that day- either way something needs to be done about my memory blanks. Now. this post is going to be totally unrelated to the topic. I will one day remember why I wrote this and I will write a post about this; till then, let me bore you with the little things that have been going through my mind. I don't know if I like to create problems that aren't there for myself or those problems actually exist. I think my imagination and my reality somehow have some serious boundary violation issues or I wont be where I am exactly. I am a typical "in need of Jesus" kind of person. But again, knowing something and accepting it are 2 different things. I am extremely contradictory but as much as I claim not to be a narcissist I write about myself and my thoughts a lot...but Amanda says that's only cos no one listens, no one gets it and so I have to think about me, I have to be others to me...I'm rambling again..I always ramble...I sometimes ask myself if my chosen course of action is the best but before i finish that question I hear a resounding no from me. There must definitely be something about torture I love (contrary to all my claims) because I hate myself, I cut myself, I'm mean to me when I do some things, but I still go back and do the exact thing that made me do it to myself. I do the same thing expecting to get a different result and I get mad when I get the same result.. yes yes yes....I know...they say its madness....somehow I don't want to let go of it.....that is the only thing I know with clarity everyday, every time I get up, before I sleep...I ponder on how different my life would be if I only reached out and did things differently. If I woke up and was somehow different, happy....I don't know man. There is just something awfully odd about this post and I don't know what it is....what is it??..(self loathing maybe)...I'm sure I've never seen someone with so much clarity and confusion my entire life. I'm sure if I take this from the top and read this I'd be pissed cos I would not understand half of what just happened in this post but here I am rambling on and on about nothing. Don't bother with the get a life, get up do something, get out of this thing, or the pep talks,...I give them to myself everyday...my mother gives it to me everyday with encouragement and love even....its just all so meeeeh. My different selves are acting up again....*sigh*..no...this is not Dissociative Identity Disorder or more popularly Multiple Personality Disorder...I'm just confused about nothing. Its just that there is this ideal I'm chasing, this thing...I think its perfection and I'm frustrated cos I cant be perfect!!!!!!!!!!.... every time I think about how very imperfect I am I cry and I'm hurt and I get depressed and I see how much more work it will take to be half perfect....*sigh*....I gotta get out of my head right now. I gotta go and tweet rubbish and be shallow again..I gotta go and be imperfect me..*cringe*....or I'm simply not going to make it to another day....{P.S: I am not seeking attention or pity with this post, don't leave sad messages or whatever, you can however tell me about Jesus and his love and tell me that I don't feel like this alone and all that jazz..I don't mind....but don't come and tell me how my feelings don't matter or how they aren't real or how I'm seeking attention or pity...I don't want such,..don't complicate my life more.. Thank you..:).....}