The depths of despair--and the happy sad mind..MPD

There is really no use wasting tears and time asking questions like “why?” Im in a place I wish to escape, a place filled with sinister and irrevocable darkness. The complete solid horror of it leads me to wander further into nothingness, to grasp at insubstantial walls, to jerk about like a captured beast in hope of finding a way back to my semi-normal world, but somewhere inside me I knew my efforts were a waste of time. Somewhere inside of me I knew that I would never be normal, neither would I return to a semblance of it. The world I used to fake and imagine, the world I was used to, the one I built and thrashed was gone, and I can’t save it and myself. Im screaming and im hoping that somehow, someone would save me from myself and my mind. I can’t get out of the wall of thoughts and darkness. My mind is a black hole and it’s bottomless. Im falling, falling farther and farther into an abyss I cant find my way out of, and as im falling, I realize that inside of it is a maze…a maze in a bottomless pit. How did I fall this deep?

Im worn out from the strain of battling with my mind, and I just go limp and let myself fall. This place has me imprisoned -if it is in fact a place and not merely a state of mind – it has neither ground nor sky, boundaries or signs of endless bounds. It is a world separated from all other worlds, a prison of unreality and confusion, a dimension that had no knowledge of time, life, death or humanity.

Ok….i had to describe what I was feeling inside of me…that is clearly not my writing tone. I had to think like someone else to write that. My jovial writing tone is back and this is where I explain why I am in that very troubled state of mind. Somewhere along the line, I lost sense of my sensitivity (I used to pride myself on how sensitive I was, I might not show it or I might pretend not to notice) I lost sense of my ability to consider others and I turned into this inconsiderate *&%^$....(I cant type that because its not print worthy…and kinda cos im calling myself that) I really cant be gloomy on the outside as im such a happy person and its just not in me to sit around and mope but inside of me, im such a mess and im in turmoil. Some choices you make don’t happen to be mistakes, they are deliberate acts of wickedness and when you look back you realize that you set out intentionally (sometimes we are in denial and say it was subconscious…..but if your subconscious has knowledge of it, you do,..its rooted somewhere inside of you). It would be really irresponsible for me to chuck it all up to something I did when I was not in full command of my senses. Some consequences don’t just go away. When something or someone is your normal and you ruin it (simply because you are afraid to be happy), if you are like me you get caught up in your mind and you cant get out and you leave yourself to wander like im doing. Im simply going through motions, im writing this and im smiling—I know im smiling but I cant feel it in my eyes or my heart and I know im there and im writing this but somehow, im still lost in my head—I cant explain anymore than that. Being happy and ruining it. If your happy don’t feel guilty. Guilt is a terrible to thing to allow fester in your mind. So far iv been reining in a part of me while writing, and I haven’t been as honest. But I realized that to get out of this, I need to open up my mind and explore the maze I keep hidden. That’s why I let myself fall. I will no longer fight myself or my mind. I will fall and tumble till I find a way out. Only hell is a bottomless pit and while my mind might pose as hell, it is only temporary..i will eventually find a way out. Till then ill fall freely and enjoy the timeless abyss I call my mind..

Stop and stare...

I as a person am always in a hurry. I run through everything because i dont think i have enough time to stop and observe..that has cost me a lot because i strive for perfection, and if only i could pause and view the progress  i have made, i would have spared myself a lot of trouble, as i would have seen the flaws and all the things i did wrong. Not Eva. Eva runs through everything, she doesnt stop for air and even something as pleasant as taking a walk in the pleasant weather to observe all the beautiful things God made becomes a race to finish. I was walking by a cemetery yesterday and i suddenly stopped to review my life (i stopped because i realized that something would eventually stop me, but then i wouldnt be able to stare)

I saw all the tombstones, marked and unmarked graves, wreaths and all sorts of things...and i couldnt feel the breeze and it just came to me that they have finally stopped,...all the people in those graves were immovable, but they couldnt observe. Im sure they could see all the things they did wrong, things that if they had only taken a moment to reflect would have been done perfectly. I hoped they did not regret the lives they led, but i realized that i was heading for a path of regret. Hurry, Hurry, Hurry is the order of my day...oh yeah,..time waits for no one, but is there a point to maximizing time and a life that cannot be enjoyed? You do all these things and at the end you are tired,...in your rush,..no one enjoys it...no one including you....so its just an exercise or a routine. You take the fun out of life and out of everything for yourself. I have decided to just drop everything i do and take it a day at a time, not rushing anywhere or doing anything fast paced whatsoever...at least for the next 2 weeks of my life. Yes i will be lazy with life.no strict schedules nothing....I will enjoy every smile, every person, every breathe, every rose, every good and bad feeling, every bite i take,..ill be soo tired from enjoying everything it will be pure bliss...I am not in a hurry to die,... neither am i a hurry to live...(its shocking im saying this because i couldnt wait to be 18(iv been wanting to be 18 since i was 12)..i decided that if i rushed through everything,..i would be 18 on time and my life would start.....i dont totally regret all that time i spent being in a hurry,..but i would definitely have moved at a slower pace and i would have enjoyed every bit of my adolescence....grown up isnt as fun-filled and fantastic as i thought it would be..)

Observe! 

The Classic Smile: Does God Trust you Enough?

The Classic Smile: Does God Trust you Enough?: "Hey people :) How have your days been? Mine's been a tad unproductive :S Not really good, considering the fact that I have an exam next we..."

Indecisive

Today is a day where i cant make decisions, (you see, appropriate decision making is a strength of mine .) Today is the day where i cant put my thoughts together and i cannot make decisions as well and fast as i usually do. Today is the day i say "maybe" a lot. Maybe i will read the book that has been lying around for a while, maybe today is the day i will tell him i love him, maybe it is the day i will help my friend, or write that proposal ive been wanting to write for years...(yes years). Maybe, just maybe today will be the day i will call my dad. Or the day i will finish studying, or the day i make my hair(you see i dislike making my hair and i do not understand why yet). It could also be the day i dont say no.(i have a strange habit of saying no and depriving myself of things that wouldnt hurt to try, its the practical human in me) It might be the day i decide to believe in happily ever afters(i believe in love, but i mentally prepare myself for the worst possible outcome because i dont know how to think differently) It might be the day i let go of my inhibitions and just hang out there for the world to see(i am shy about a lot of things even though i dont seem like it) It might be the day i let the perfectionist in me sleep(i love details......i live for details, i never see the big picture until i have perused all the details and im quite sure each one is perfect,..only then will i see a big picture and be happy...."perfection is just the beginning.") It might be the day i let God take total control..(you see, im a christian who has a personal relationship with Christ, but sometimes i tend to forget what faith is and then forget the place of God in my life, so i try to be god and in the process forget who i gave total control of my life and being to.) Today is a day for maybe's and while i can usually make this decisions rationally, today is a road that's taking me to places i cannot take myself to.

im absoluetly fabulous!!!...

When everybody is watching you, "what happens next?" you hear them whisper....that feeling that you are under a microscope and everyone can see every tiny bit of you with a magnifying glass, it feels like they can see all your flaws, all your demons, everything you are right there for the whole world to see....even the good things seem very minute if you look at it through their eyes, you can feel them judging you, you feel their thoughts and it washes over you like cold water, it makes you shiver and think you are less than who you really are. ill share a tidbit i heard somewhere i cant remember, its said that every masterpiece has a flaw and that makes it more beautiful, when you feel like you are underneath that microscope, you can be like the peacock and spread your glory and flaws for them to see better, don't cower cos then it will feel like it is indeed something to be ashamed of...that particular flaw is less noticeable when u focus less on it,...when you would rather show than hide, it takes the fun away from thine "accusers"......it takes away the power they feel when they realize u are ashamed of yourself....to the question what happens next, you can answer that you happen next!...and u will keep happening cos your the fabulous piece of work that has a flaw you are not afraid to share and your not afraid to learn and you don't feel small...cos you are simply fabulous....you are absolutely happening next!

Random thoughts

If i was death, what would i do??... I think i can make an excuse for what death does. Its so cold, it has to steal the warmth of your soul. Imagine it's winter and your stripped to your skin and you were left out or you were placed in the middle of a snow man, i.e a snowman was built on your frame as support, would you not try to steal some warmth?? ask yourself what you would so you would not die? If i was death, i would take as many lives as i can. I would not live up to my name if i did not. Imagine if someone begged you not to be you, or if someone begged you not to do what you instinctively know you were created to do. That would take the purpose away from me. By its very name and creation, it is supposed to steal your life away. Amazingly, people regard life the same way they regard death, they dont see it's purpose they think someone is wicked to have stuck them in the limbo they think is life, wake up and realize that life is simply doing what its supposed to, death isnt any better or worse. from my point of view, they are both equal. They have specific instructions and you have specific instructions too. Just live it. death lives its name, life does too.. live yourself and your person so when the cold hands of death finally snatches away your soul and wraps itself around you trying to steal some of that warmth for itself you would be able to let go without bearing a grudge against death. You wont feel robbed and it'll help others with the grief if one dies happy.-----this is just a random thought....

untitled

This is going to be my mushiest post yet. I miss my family(that means my mum my brother and my cousin). Im still not sure whether i miss my dad. Let me explain that. I recently moved away from home..(im laughing while typing this cause i feel silly) and im not just 6 hours away, im a whole day away!! by air.. :o...shocking right....(that was sarcasm btw) and i used to cuddle with my mum(she is one of the only 2 humans i like to cuddle with)...i will be writing a lot of stuff in brackets. We were very close and i was yanked from her suckling breast, if only i was weaned...if only....i then had to nurture myself and blablabla(lool..im being stupid here..) ok....down to what is really bugging me..as you guessed, iv got man issues... It all boils down to my insecurities really. I have no idea why im opening up in a post but oh well, whats the worst that could happen?..(dont answer that).. so i like this human and he likes me too, but i cant let go of my irrational fear of losing him, maybe i should see a shrink(a shrink seeing a shrink..hmmph...) and i dont even know what i want from him, though i know that i dont want him to have a girlfriend.(simple right?) not so much. Things seem to be weirder than usual lately(when i say weirder, i mean its usually weird but this is even worse and wrong) and i know what the problem is, i just dont know how to fix it. Im more muddled than ever whereas im usually a very rational person..(actually i am...except when i intentionally ignore common sense). He has been nothing but a sweetheart but im jst weird cos i sometimes do things that are wrong and im sure he has his limit even though he doesnt seem like it..that said,..im developing a phobia for skunks....every time i think of them or see them or perceive that awful odour, i get this psycho-physiological response and its so intense, i get goosebumps and i run hot and cold and i start running...it kinda feels like mind rape....(im weird i know) and its worse cos i was told i have to take a tomato bath to if i get sprayed by one... *the horror* Raw tomatoes make me puke....(its even evident in my dislike for ketchup..i dont eat burger or barbecues...) if u cannot spice up the tomato, i wont eat it.I will not be able to live if i get a tomato bath...i would melt..that im sure of. Ok enough ranting.iv got assignments...oops..i have to rant about that too...i hate this course im taking because it is a writing course and my prof would die if he read this piece cos it is so not right,..i am not using the ground rules, my comma's are all over the place, pronoun antecedent errors, horrible punctuation...etc...it is such a drag really....

gloomy in a bright way.

I'm gloomy in a bright way, in psychology, its called defensive pessimism.....
Here, i'm going to answer a question you've been dying to ask me....
"Why do you think that way?"...you find it weird that  think "this" way, I want to tell you that I find you weird for thinking that. You are not obliged to understand my train of thought, you do that out of your own need to make sense of everything, to put everything in a neat little corner. Its your schema, and not trying to understand how a person thinks just does not fit into your scaffolding on the way you see and arrange life. I don't have a problem with you trying to figure me out, i have a problem with you judging me for it. If its my coping technique, let me be. what is normal is what works for you, if it doesn't work for you, it's abnormal and it doesn't matter how many people see it as conventional, it will always be unusual to you. The relationship issue is such a controversial one and i'm generally drawn to controversy. After an argument with a person, i can tell you he hasnt talked to me since then. This particular post is directed at him. He asked why i was not in a relationship and i said because i was not "asked" to be in one. so he went on about how it was not right and how i should let go and a lot of nonsense. I did not give him a reason to not explain his point of view and when he was done, i pointed out that i did not mention being uncomfortable with the idea.
to that point of view was my reply that getting "asked" was not the relationship itself, it was just a thing people decided was the ideal way to get into a relationship. Having the title boyfriend or girlfriend as a status will not change what happens ina relationship will it? if while being a "girlfriend" i can do what a "single" girl will do, is there a point to holding that title? why is it a stigma to be single? its almost equivalent to being fat nowadays. i did not have this point of view, until a year ago, and i know this is where you tell me that im just being scared and wimpy but ill tell you that shit is gonna happen regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. He or she will cheat without regard for one if they wanted to. Back to the question, "why do you think like that?" if it is to truly understand how i think without judgment, it is because i see the part you dont see, i see the gray areas while you see white and black, I observe the facet you did not consider and you regard the position i had my back to. if you ask that question judgmentally, and you think im weird in  the way i think, I AM. Its the least of the worst things that could happen. Pull your head outta your asshole and see that everyone cannot and should not think the same way.

Getting up was such a pain.....but the experience in church was worth it. It really is appropriate to be thankful. Imagine a world where no one was grateful. It would be like mcdonalds without mcflurry..that little cup of ice cream with rewards of oreos and caramel. I did make a mental note to say thank you to my father even though im a bit reluctant to.im sure his heart is the right place. I wake up each morning and im so happy i forget to tell God what a wonderful being he is for sparing me to see another day. How else would i have been so happy if when i woke up my whole world was crashing, or if i had lost the use of my sensation and perception skills. Or if i did not wake up at all and now instead of eating and drinking, my family was mourning. I will however be thankful for every (little) thing as it is just appropriate.  The Art of Giving Thanks is like a mystery potion that heals the heart. A sacred chant that gives you rewards in future time and sometimes not seen in present. We do need to recover the lost art of giving thanks...its rewards are bountiful. As of now saying thank you has definitely made me happier and i just feel like iv done the thing i should..that feeling of rightness..it's exactly what im experiencing now.

im new....

ooh yup.i said i was never gonna do this but here i am actually doing it....i'm hoping i don't regret this anyways... so this is my 1st post and i'm wondering what i'm supposed to write..ok..ill say a little about myself...i'm black and happy..(note: Happy is an adjective i will use a lot....likewise sexy, cute, sad, weird and retarded) oh and sheesh...i'm sure you can already tell that i'm all over the place..i'm cute as a button and no 1 has a more innocent face than i do and no one has more mischievous eyes. Yup..u guessed it..i'm the queen of mischief...and i just have fun when there is drama around me....of course when its about me,..its nothing but tedious and annoying and i haven't yet learnt the virtue--patience...though i heard it would help a lot...aite..i'm beginning to blab and write irrelevant things...so ill just post this one and see how it goes.