It
has taken me this long to do this because I felt like it had to be perfect. It
has to be perfect. Every time I come back to this post to go over it, I cry,
again and again. The finality of death hits me...go down a couple of posts and
you will realize that when I was writing about empathizing with the
cold soul death was, I never truly understood it at that point. I was talking
from a very objective point of view. Subjectively speaking as I now do, it
hurts. It doesn't go away. Week after week you remember. It’s the huge
things at first...then the little things start coming in, suddenly you're
having a quiet moment at the library until someone walks up to you and says
"hey' are you ok?" . You then realize tears are rolling down your
face. That little voice you hear which is usually as simple as"sissy"
in my head heard clearly in your voice and I just ache. Deep inside my heart,
the hollow gets deeper and I ache. It’s all so final you know?... I say that I
am fine.. all the time..and then I think of her mum and dad and her siblings
and it hurts more because I know that something inside them died
along with her. I know it hurts a lot and they just have to go through the
motions of getting through it. The finally of death hit me and then I wonder what
it’s all for. What is life? What is joy? What is it all about? I get very
confused at the purpose of happy living; once my pain cherry popped it somehow
diminished my ability to be completely happy. On my happy spectrum, at the uppermost
part appeared a black blip sealing my ability to achieve that height of glee. I’ll
no more be able to achieve that level of happiness. I also fear that with
everything that is equally as traumatizing,my capacity to feel happiness or joy
or glee diminishes and very soon my happy rainbow will just be a black blipped
crescent. Never again will I enjoy the some of the things emotional privileges I
used to. Never again will I understand what true unblemished happiness means...I’ll
only have my memories. That is such a scary thought. Who cares if this post is
perfect...I’ve lost some part of me im never going to get back. When a person
dies...they stop being...It’s so abstract...like it seems like that can’t
happen. It’s not concrete till it
happens....what happens to their memories....does it stay dead with them? The
experiences that made them unique have somehow died...I don’t know it’s so
morbid. Like they are just dead...dead...I wonder if it got easier or if along
with my ever shortening “capacity for joy” rainbow, the memories, the pain the
bleakness just got stamped on with something else. It’s not a black blip
however...it’s this white light that keeps getting bigger and bigger and you're
ignoring it cos it’s white and blends right in the background till it becomes a
huge canvas of buried pain that might explode with a huge flash and consume
you. Do you truly move on or is it just what you tell yourself to get through
the moment? It does get you through the moment...but for how long? Are the dead
lost...do they acknowledge themselves as dead...-this is finally who I am..Or
does it just stay dead like the bodies? Is it lonely out there? Do you still
feel the things you felt as a living person? Are you in pain not the physical
kind...but does it hurt...what if you hated yourself before you died? Do you
forgive yourself in death? Do you live in constant unhappiness....what if you
look inwards at what you are and you're dissatisfied but then there isn't
another medium to fix..I mean as a human you can fix your outsides in the hopes
of fixing your insides and vice versa...but is there another medium?...you can
be satisfied with one and leave the other wanting...you can be in denial...can
you be in denial when the only thing you are is found wanting and can’t be
fixed or sorted? What happens to all the knowledge you accumulate over time? Your
individual (explicit and implicit and all their sub groups), collective (communicative
and cultural and all its subgroups) memories....what happens with
those...that's an individual right there dispersed into something intangible or
nothingness. An individual that brought Joy Pain Love Peace Something
into the world…that someone whose living presence was so essential then they
die…and take away some part of your life with them because you are who you are
cos they were a part of your life..And all that’s left are the memories that time
takes away. Memory is so reconstructive that even that isn’t safe from you…and
you may not remember a person exactly how they were…just your pieces and
fragments. Well today my pieces and fragments aren’t helping me. They don’t compare.
They don’t get better with age. They just torture me and leave me half filled.
I am emptier now that I’ve had you and lost you. I am emptier. There is no you
and there is no joy. It’s all bland. No flavor
whatsoever. It’s colorless and different. It’s the sum of the dull unexciting
steps I take to living in your wake.
I
Love You.
Forever
and Always.
My
Egghead…
Sleep
Well….xx.
