im absoluetly fabulous!!!...

When everybody is watching you, "what happens next?" you hear them whisper....that feeling that you are under a microscope and everyone can see every tiny bit of you with a magnifying glass, it feels like they can see all your flaws, all your demons, everything you are right there for the whole world to see....even the good things seem very minute if you look at it through their eyes, you can feel them judging you, you feel their thoughts and it washes over you like cold water, it makes you shiver and think you are less than who you really are. ill share a tidbit i heard somewhere i cant remember, its said that every masterpiece has a flaw and that makes it more beautiful, when you feel like you are underneath that microscope, you can be like the peacock and spread your glory and flaws for them to see better, don't cower cos then it will feel like it is indeed something to be ashamed of...that particular flaw is less noticeable when u focus less on it,...when you would rather show than hide, it takes the fun away from thine "accusers"......it takes away the power they feel when they realize u are ashamed of yourself....to the question what happens next, you can answer that you happen next!...and u will keep happening cos your the fabulous piece of work that has a flaw you are not afraid to share and your not afraid to learn and you don't feel small...cos you are simply fabulous....you are absolutely happening next!

Random thoughts

If i was death, what would i do??... I think i can make an excuse for what death does. Its so cold, it has to steal the warmth of your soul. Imagine it's winter and your stripped to your skin and you were left out or you were placed in the middle of a snow man, i.e a snowman was built on your frame as support, would you not try to steal some warmth?? ask yourself what you would so you would not die? If i was death, i would take as many lives as i can. I would not live up to my name if i did not. Imagine if someone begged you not to be you, or if someone begged you not to do what you instinctively know you were created to do. That would take the purpose away from me. By its very name and creation, it is supposed to steal your life away. Amazingly, people regard life the same way they regard death, they dont see it's purpose they think someone is wicked to have stuck them in the limbo they think is life, wake up and realize that life is simply doing what its supposed to, death isnt any better or worse. from my point of view, they are both equal. They have specific instructions and you have specific instructions too. Just live it. death lives its name, life does too.. live yourself and your person so when the cold hands of death finally snatches away your soul and wraps itself around you trying to steal some of that warmth for itself you would be able to let go without bearing a grudge against death. You wont feel robbed and it'll help others with the grief if one dies happy.-----this is just a random thought....

untitled

This is going to be my mushiest post yet. I miss my family(that means my mum my brother and my cousin). Im still not sure whether i miss my dad. Let me explain that. I recently moved away from home..(im laughing while typing this cause i feel silly) and im not just 6 hours away, im a whole day away!! by air.. :o...shocking right....(that was sarcasm btw) and i used to cuddle with my mum(she is one of the only 2 humans i like to cuddle with)...i will be writing a lot of stuff in brackets. We were very close and i was yanked from her suckling breast, if only i was weaned...if only....i then had to nurture myself and blablabla(lool..im being stupid here..) ok....down to what is really bugging me..as you guessed, iv got man issues... It all boils down to my insecurities really. I have no idea why im opening up in a post but oh well, whats the worst that could happen?..(dont answer that).. so i like this human and he likes me too, but i cant let go of my irrational fear of losing him, maybe i should see a shrink(a shrink seeing a shrink..hmmph...) and i dont even know what i want from him, though i know that i dont want him to have a girlfriend.(simple right?) not so much. Things seem to be weirder than usual lately(when i say weirder, i mean its usually weird but this is even worse and wrong) and i know what the problem is, i just dont know how to fix it. Im more muddled than ever whereas im usually a very rational person..(actually i am...except when i intentionally ignore common sense). He has been nothing but a sweetheart but im jst weird cos i sometimes do things that are wrong and im sure he has his limit even though he doesnt seem like it..that said,..im developing a phobia for skunks....every time i think of them or see them or perceive that awful odour, i get this psycho-physiological response and its so intense, i get goosebumps and i run hot and cold and i start running...it kinda feels like mind rape....(im weird i know) and its worse cos i was told i have to take a tomato bath to if i get sprayed by one... *the horror* Raw tomatoes make me puke....(its even evident in my dislike for ketchup..i dont eat burger or barbecues...) if u cannot spice up the tomato, i wont eat it.I will not be able to live if i get a tomato bath...i would melt..that im sure of. Ok enough ranting.iv got assignments...oops..i have to rant about that too...i hate this course im taking because it is a writing course and my prof would die if he read this piece cos it is so not right,..i am not using the ground rules, my comma's are all over the place, pronoun antecedent errors, horrible punctuation...etc...it is such a drag really....

gloomy in a bright way.

I'm gloomy in a bright way, in psychology, its called defensive pessimism.....
Here, i'm going to answer a question you've been dying to ask me....
"Why do you think that way?"...you find it weird that  think "this" way, I want to tell you that I find you weird for thinking that. You are not obliged to understand my train of thought, you do that out of your own need to make sense of everything, to put everything in a neat little corner. Its your schema, and not trying to understand how a person thinks just does not fit into your scaffolding on the way you see and arrange life. I don't have a problem with you trying to figure me out, i have a problem with you judging me for it. If its my coping technique, let me be. what is normal is what works for you, if it doesn't work for you, it's abnormal and it doesn't matter how many people see it as conventional, it will always be unusual to you. The relationship issue is such a controversial one and i'm generally drawn to controversy. After an argument with a person, i can tell you he hasnt talked to me since then. This particular post is directed at him. He asked why i was not in a relationship and i said because i was not "asked" to be in one. so he went on about how it was not right and how i should let go and a lot of nonsense. I did not give him a reason to not explain his point of view and when he was done, i pointed out that i did not mention being uncomfortable with the idea.
to that point of view was my reply that getting "asked" was not the relationship itself, it was just a thing people decided was the ideal way to get into a relationship. Having the title boyfriend or girlfriend as a status will not change what happens ina relationship will it? if while being a "girlfriend" i can do what a "single" girl will do, is there a point to holding that title? why is it a stigma to be single? its almost equivalent to being fat nowadays. i did not have this point of view, until a year ago, and i know this is where you tell me that im just being scared and wimpy but ill tell you that shit is gonna happen regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. He or she will cheat without regard for one if they wanted to. Back to the question, "why do you think like that?" if it is to truly understand how i think without judgment, it is because i see the part you dont see, i see the gray areas while you see white and black, I observe the facet you did not consider and you regard the position i had my back to. if you ask that question judgmentally, and you think im weird in  the way i think, I AM. Its the least of the worst things that could happen. Pull your head outta your asshole and see that everyone cannot and should not think the same way.