Life loses color when a life is lost.

It has taken me this long to do this because I felt like it had to be perfect. It has to be perfect. Every time I come back to this post to go over it, I cry, again and again. The finality of death hits me...go down a couple of posts and you will realize that when I was writing about empathizing with the cold soul death was, I never truly understood it at that point. I was talking from a very objective point of view. Subjectively speaking as I now do, it hurts. It doesn't go away. Week after week you remember. It’s the huge things at first...then the little things start coming in, suddenly you're having a quiet moment at the library until someone walks up to you and says "hey' are you ok?" . You then realize tears are rolling down your face. That little voice you hear which is usually as simple as"sissy" in my head heard clearly in your voice and I just ache. Deep inside my heart, the hollow gets deeper and I ache. It’s all so final you know?... I say that I am fine.. all the time..and then I think of her mum and dad and her siblings and it hurts more because I know that something inside them died along with her. I know it hurts a lot and they just have to go through the motions of getting through it. The finally of death hit me and then I wonder what it’s all for. What is life? What is joy? What is it all about? I get very confused at the purpose of happy living; once my pain cherry popped it somehow diminished my ability to be completely happy. On my happy spectrum, at the uppermost part appeared a black blip sealing my ability to achieve that height of glee. I’ll no more be able to achieve that level of happiness. I also fear that with everything that is equally as traumatizing,my capacity to feel happiness or joy or glee diminishes and very soon my happy rainbow will just be a black blipped crescent. Never again will I enjoy the some of the things emotional privileges I used to. Never again will I understand what true unblemished happiness means...I’ll only have my memories. That is such a scary thought. Who cares if this post is perfect...I’ve lost some part of me im never going to get back. When a person dies...they stop being...It’s so abstract...like it seems like that can’t happen.  It’s not concrete till it happens....what happens to their memories....does it stay dead with them? The experiences that made them unique have somehow died...I don’t know it’s so morbid. Like they are just dead...dead...I wonder if it got easier or if along with my ever shortening “capacity for joy” rainbow, the memories, the pain the bleakness just got stamped on with something else. It’s not a black blip however...it’s this white light that keeps getting bigger and bigger and you're ignoring it cos it’s white and blends right in the background till it becomes a huge canvas of buried pain that might explode with a huge flash and consume you. Do you truly move on or is it just what you tell yourself to get through the moment? It does get you through the moment...but for how long? Are the dead lost...do they acknowledge themselves as dead...-this is finally who I am..Or does it just stay dead like the bodies? Is it lonely out there? Do you still feel the things you felt as a living person? Are you in pain not the physical kind...but does it hurt...what if you hated yourself before you died? Do you forgive yourself in death? Do you live in constant unhappiness....what if you look inwards at what you are and you're dissatisfied but then there isn't another medium to fix..I mean as a human you can fix your outsides in the hopes of fixing your insides and vice versa...but is there another medium?...you can be satisfied with one and leave the other wanting...you can be in denial...can you be in denial when the only thing you are is found wanting and can’t be fixed or sorted? What happens to all the knowledge you accumulate over time? Your individual (explicit and implicit and all their sub groups), collective (communicative and cultural and all its subgroups) memories....what happens with those...that's an individual right there dispersed into something intangible or nothingness. An individual that brought Joy Pain Love Peace Something into the world…that someone whose living presence was so essential then they die…and take away some part of your life with them because you are who you are cos they were a part of your life..And all that’s left are the memories that time takes away. Memory is so reconstructive that even that isn’t safe from you…and you may not remember a person exactly how they were…just your pieces and fragments. Well today my pieces and fragments aren’t helping me. They don’t compare. They don’t get better with age. They just torture me and leave me half filled. I am emptier now that I’ve had you and lost you. I am emptier. There is no you and there is no joy. It’s all bland.  No flavor whatsoever. It’s colorless and different. It’s the sum of the dull unexciting steps I take to living in your wake.

I Love You.

Forever and Always.

My Egghead…

Sleep Well….xx.

I Will Kill Everything You Love and Enjoy Your Pain..

I don't remember why I had this title as a draft in my post but today is not the day I write about it. I must have been very mad the day I wrote this. I don't remember. you see, I remember a lot of things and forget the rest, this may be due to improper encoding or me not paying enough attention to what I'm feeling that day- either way something needs to be done about my memory blanks. Now. this post is going to be totally unrelated to the topic. I will one day remember why I wrote this and I will write a post about this; till then, let me bore you with the little things that have been going through my mind. I don't know if I like to create problems that aren't there for myself or those problems actually exist. I think my imagination and my reality somehow have some serious boundary violation issues or I wont be where I am exactly. I am a typical "in need of Jesus" kind of person. But again, knowing something and accepting it are 2 different things. I am extremely contradictory but as much as I claim not to be a narcissist I write about myself and my thoughts a lot...but Amanda says that's only cos no one listens, no one gets it and so I have to think about me, I have to be others to me...I'm rambling again..I always ramble...I sometimes ask myself if my chosen course of action is the best but before i finish that question I hear a resounding no from me. There must definitely be something about torture I love (contrary to all my claims) because I hate myself, I cut myself, I'm mean to me when I do some things, but I still go back and do the exact thing that made me do it to myself. I do the same thing expecting to get a different result and I get mad when I get the same result.. yes yes yes....I know...they say its madness....somehow I don't want to let go of it.....that is the only thing I know with clarity everyday, every time I get up, before I sleep...I ponder on how different my life would be if I only reached out and did things differently. If I woke up and was somehow different, happy....I don't know man. There is just something awfully odd about this post and I don't know what it is....what is it??..(self loathing maybe)...I'm sure I've never seen someone with so much clarity and confusion my entire life. I'm sure if I take this from the top and read this I'd be pissed cos I would not understand half of what just happened in this post but here I am rambling on and on about nothing. Don't bother with the get a life, get up do something, get out of this thing, or the pep talks,...I give them to myself everyday...my mother gives it to me everyday with encouragement and love even....its just all so meeeeh. My different selves are acting up again....*sigh*..no...this is not Dissociative Identity Disorder or more popularly Multiple Personality Disorder...I'm just confused about nothing. Its just that there is this ideal I'm chasing, this thing...I think its perfection and I'm frustrated cos I cant be perfect!!!!!!!!!!.... every time I think about how very imperfect I am I cry and I'm hurt and I get depressed and I see how much more work it will take to be half perfect....*sigh*....I gotta get out of my head right now. I gotta go and tweet rubbish and be shallow again..I gotta go and be imperfect me..*cringe*....or I'm simply not going to make it to another day....{P.S: I am not seeking attention or pity with this post, don't leave sad messages or whatever, you can however tell me about Jesus and his love and tell me that I don't feel like this alone and all that jazz..I don't mind....but don't come and tell me how my feelings don't matter or how they aren't real or how I'm seeking attention or pity...I don't want such,..don't complicate my life more.. Thank you..:).....}

Dont Be This Girl. She is Irrational.

To a cognitive behavioral psychotherapist, I am irrational. I see the worst possible outcome in everything, ooh be realistic here, I only do that because it helps me overcompensate..I can also accuse me of wearing rose-colored glasses, but I digress..back to my question, am i irrational? Here irrationality is defined as the tendency and leaning that humans have to act, emote and think in ways that are inflexible, unrealistic, absolutist and most importantly self- and socially-defeating and destructive. So one day, you see, I wake up and decide its time to kill myself...since i'm not useful yet, i might as well die..its that all or nothing thought process that brings me back again and again to the starting point in a lot of things I do. I sit and give myself absolute terms,..it either works this way or i'm done. I try up to the point where i cant try anymore and I look back and see all my hardwork go down the drain, it doesn't feel good at 1st,..but i learn to live with it. You as a reader are probably wondering where this is going to aren't you?,..I'll tell you. The inflexibility in the decisions i make about very little things allows no room for growth so i stay stagnant and when nothing works the way i want it to, i get depressed and in the depths of my self inflicted despair i look up and cut myself a little more for being inflexible. You see...its a cycle. but its one i'm very used to. i don't know how to be someone else. i don't know how to allow for the mistakes i'm sure to make. i'm so mean to myself. i tell myself what a failure i am day in day out,.i hear it when nobody says it, i hear it when people say otherwise, i see myself mocking me when i look in the mirror, so each year  i outdo myself..i wake up and say, this year has to be better but it is not even within limits. i reach for things i cannot have maybe its the knowing that i will fail at it or maybe its just the pain i get from failing that makes me not try hard enough. either way, i fail, again and again and again. If you are reading this..this is not a suicide note..this its just a glimpse into how you should not live your life. be flexible...allow the simple things, do not over-think it, don't drown yourself in your head. you're wondering why i'm not taking my own advice aren't you?..my answer is simple. i know what is right,i just don't believe it. i don't know how to explain that...but that sums me up in one sentence. Again, before you find yourself a little too far gone down this road i have chosen for myself, I want you to always ask yourself if you are irrational.. Can there be another explanation for this??...Does my perspective seem a little off? can I do this? Is this within limit or it just a little past my comfort zone enough for me to accomplish it? Am I being completely objective with this particular course of action? If you are not satisfied with the answers you get, retrace your steps, you cant get proper results when you do the right things the wrong way or vice-versa. Don't be like me the irrational thinker. Don't live the unhappy life I choose to live. Don't be this girl.

My impositions may be the reason for my unhappiness.

“Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.” – Charlotte Bronte.

Now:

Expectations: that’s a good place to start. We are always somewhat victims to our inflexible expectations. We want something and we want it when we want it. We impose our wants and hopes and feelings of expectancy on people and we tell them how we hold them in high regard. How we somehow assume the right to impose such a burden on another human being I know not. We expect certain standards like we deserve it and we tell ourselves that it’s because we know the other person can handle it. I think it’s a burden. You don’t know for certain that someone can fulfill your expectations of them. We were born into our lives and all of it we have someone imposing something on us. It’s like….do we even get to not care for it…I mean.. My mum expects me to pass while I expect her to pay my fees….what happens if we let each other be??... Everyone would walk around with sad countenances and we would be disappointed in ourselves. While I believe that expectations are useful for civilization and while I will still impose upon the people I love the weight of the things I expect for and from them I wonder if it’s truly altruistic (bear in mind that I don’t believe in true altruism). Do I expect something from someone because I feel like they are capable and it would make them happier or purely for my own gain?...I sometimes wonder if  the weights of my expectations are crushing someone else. Does it hurt for them to look at themselves from my perspective? Sometimes some people can’t just do it!...they can’t live the way you want them to, they can’t feel what you want them to. You need to lower your expectations and accept that they can’t do it. You need to let them know that it is okay if they can’t reach as far as you want them to be. Of what good is their anguish to you when they feel like failures and they cannot accomplish what you expected? It is a different case when they share your aspirations and they want the same thing for themselves. A mother expects a child to walk btw 8mnths of age and 18months. They do it simply because its natural and  it is not unreasonable: but to expect a child to fly even when you can’t do it yourself  and justifying that by saying you want them to do something you can’t achieve is simply being unreasonable. Sensitivity is key in these things. I will try not to expect something I cannot achieve of someone else except they assure me that they think they can. I can encourage you to want better…but I will not be disappointed if you are satisfied with whom, how and where you are. People would call it mediocrity.. I call it knowing your limit and being comfortable with it. If you want more…achieve more. If you don’t and you’re happy and content, who am I to want more for you? Who am I to say that you should want more..Who am I to impose my expectations on you? I am quite ready to accept that not everyone can be great. I’m not saying don’t try,..im just saying don’t make other people try if they won’t be happy doing it. Not everyone can be great. The song “I wish we all could win” makes me think that if we were all winners, there would be no concept of failure. One has to be for the other to exist. There can be no good if there isn’t bad. You don’t want to be disappointed,…wear the other person’s shoes, see what the weight of your expectancy does to him/her…judge it as if you were him/her. See what he/she sees. Be them. Be flexible. Don’t hurt yourself and hurt others in the process. Stop setting yourself and others up for disappointment.

“The wise man, knowing how to enjoy achieved results without having constantly to replace them with others, finds in them an attachment to life in the hour of difficulty. But the man, who has always pinned all his hopes on the future and lived with his eyes fixed upon it, has nothing in the past as a comfort against the present's afflictions, for the past was nothing to him but a series of hastily experienced stages. What blinded him to himself was his expectation always to find further on the happiness he had so far missed. Now he is stopped in his tracks; from now on nothing remains behind or ahead of him to fix his gaze upon. “- Emile Durkheim

Im new all over again...

Yup. I'm back from the dead. its been forever since i did this so please allow me to introduce my writing, for those of you revisiting my blog and for those that are new, I made some revisions to how I will be writing. I'm still a little rusty and i am trying out ideas and things so be patient, i will one day write the perfect post. I’d like you to know that most of the things I will be writing will be my musings, the things I think about, the things I know I’m wrong about, I am very open to people telling me what they think is wrong about my ideas. I love a good argument but you have to know that I will not always see it your way; I may not accept things even though I can reason them to be right because I am human and stubborn and want to think my way is right. But I will always respect your idea and opinion and I will try to see it. I think that’s what annoys people the most, when someone does not accept their point of view even if it’s right. I’m different in that it’s your point of view, its right to you therefore in your reality it is right. I do not accept or agree with it but it’s yours and I respect it. Generally, the tone of my writing will be as though I am conversing with myself. it might be controversial, different, conflicting, even paradoxical sometimes but it will be from my heart. It will be ramblings but I will try to make sure that you make some sort of sense out of it and I will use a lot of quotes. 

The depths of despair--and the happy sad mind..MPD

There is really no use wasting tears and time asking questions like “why?” Im in a place I wish to escape, a place filled with sinister and irrevocable darkness. The complete solid horror of it leads me to wander further into nothingness, to grasp at insubstantial walls, to jerk about like a captured beast in hope of finding a way back to my semi-normal world, but somewhere inside me I knew my efforts were a waste of time. Somewhere inside of me I knew that I would never be normal, neither would I return to a semblance of it. The world I used to fake and imagine, the world I was used to, the one I built and thrashed was gone, and I can’t save it and myself. Im screaming and im hoping that somehow, someone would save me from myself and my mind. I can’t get out of the wall of thoughts and darkness. My mind is a black hole and it’s bottomless. Im falling, falling farther and farther into an abyss I cant find my way out of, and as im falling, I realize that inside of it is a maze…a maze in a bottomless pit. How did I fall this deep?

Im worn out from the strain of battling with my mind, and I just go limp and let myself fall. This place has me imprisoned -if it is in fact a place and not merely a state of mind – it has neither ground nor sky, boundaries or signs of endless bounds. It is a world separated from all other worlds, a prison of unreality and confusion, a dimension that had no knowledge of time, life, death or humanity.

Ok….i had to describe what I was feeling inside of me…that is clearly not my writing tone. I had to think like someone else to write that. My jovial writing tone is back and this is where I explain why I am in that very troubled state of mind. Somewhere along the line, I lost sense of my sensitivity (I used to pride myself on how sensitive I was, I might not show it or I might pretend not to notice) I lost sense of my ability to consider others and I turned into this inconsiderate *&%^$....(I cant type that because its not print worthy…and kinda cos im calling myself that) I really cant be gloomy on the outside as im such a happy person and its just not in me to sit around and mope but inside of me, im such a mess and im in turmoil. Some choices you make don’t happen to be mistakes, they are deliberate acts of wickedness and when you look back you realize that you set out intentionally (sometimes we are in denial and say it was subconscious…..but if your subconscious has knowledge of it, you do,..its rooted somewhere inside of you). It would be really irresponsible for me to chuck it all up to something I did when I was not in full command of my senses. Some consequences don’t just go away. When something or someone is your normal and you ruin it (simply because you are afraid to be happy), if you are like me you get caught up in your mind and you cant get out and you leave yourself to wander like im doing. Im simply going through motions, im writing this and im smiling—I know im smiling but I cant feel it in my eyes or my heart and I know im there and im writing this but somehow, im still lost in my head—I cant explain anymore than that. Being happy and ruining it. If your happy don’t feel guilty. Guilt is a terrible to thing to allow fester in your mind. So far iv been reining in a part of me while writing, and I haven’t been as honest. But I realized that to get out of this, I need to open up my mind and explore the maze I keep hidden. That’s why I let myself fall. I will no longer fight myself or my mind. I will fall and tumble till I find a way out. Only hell is a bottomless pit and while my mind might pose as hell, it is only temporary..i will eventually find a way out. Till then ill fall freely and enjoy the timeless abyss I call my mind..

Stop and stare...

I as a person am always in a hurry. I run through everything because i dont think i have enough time to stop and observe..that has cost me a lot because i strive for perfection, and if only i could pause and view the progress  i have made, i would have spared myself a lot of trouble, as i would have seen the flaws and all the things i did wrong. Not Eva. Eva runs through everything, she doesnt stop for air and even something as pleasant as taking a walk in the pleasant weather to observe all the beautiful things God made becomes a race to finish. I was walking by a cemetery yesterday and i suddenly stopped to review my life (i stopped because i realized that something would eventually stop me, but then i wouldnt be able to stare)

I saw all the tombstones, marked and unmarked graves, wreaths and all sorts of things...and i couldnt feel the breeze and it just came to me that they have finally stopped,...all the people in those graves were immovable, but they couldnt observe. Im sure they could see all the things they did wrong, things that if they had only taken a moment to reflect would have been done perfectly. I hoped they did not regret the lives they led, but i realized that i was heading for a path of regret. Hurry, Hurry, Hurry is the order of my day...oh yeah,..time waits for no one, but is there a point to maximizing time and a life that cannot be enjoyed? You do all these things and at the end you are tired,...in your rush,..no one enjoys it...no one including you....so its just an exercise or a routine. You take the fun out of life and out of everything for yourself. I have decided to just drop everything i do and take it a day at a time, not rushing anywhere or doing anything fast paced whatsoever...at least for the next 2 weeks of my life. Yes i will be lazy with life.no strict schedules nothing....I will enjoy every smile, every person, every breathe, every rose, every good and bad feeling, every bite i take,..ill be soo tired from enjoying everything it will be pure bliss...I am not in a hurry to die,... neither am i a hurry to live...(its shocking im saying this because i couldnt wait to be 18(iv been wanting to be 18 since i was 12)..i decided that if i rushed through everything,..i would be 18 on time and my life would start.....i dont totally regret all that time i spent being in a hurry,..but i would definitely have moved at a slower pace and i would have enjoyed every bit of my adolescence....grown up isnt as fun-filled and fantastic as i thought it would be..)

Observe!